


Sheev Palpatine: Single Father, Master, Emperor

by LindseyintheSkywithDiamonds



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Darth Vader drives a minivan, F/M, Galactic Divorce, Good Dad Sheev, I’m a fucking idiot, Peepaw Palpatine, Sheev can’t bowl, Sheev is SUPER salty, please don’t judge me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:49:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25231915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LindseyintheSkywithDiamonds/pseuds/LindseyintheSkywithDiamonds
Summary: The untold story of Sheev Palpatine, a single dad who just wants to raise his son and subjugate the Galaxy. 100% crack (even though I’m pretty sure this is what really happened).Warning: do not read if you value your intelligence.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	Sheev Palpatine: Single Father, Master, Emperor

Sheev and his ex wife, Linda, had a very tumultuous relationship that quickly deteriorated after he named himself Emperor. She claimed that it was because he was too focused on work and never spent any time with her or Little Sheevie Jr., but it was really because she wanted to gag every time she looked at his shrivelled up, ballsac-looking face after his duel with Mace Windu. They divorced shortly after the Fall of the Republic. Linda hired a cut throat legal team of Muun and Chagrian lawyers who won her half of Sheev’s property and exorbitant alimony payments in the divorce settlement, (this is why Sheev kept the Second Deathstar a secret— he didn’t want his alimony payments to go up); Sheev got shared custody of Little Sheevie Jr., (weekends and every other holiday). 

Due to their bitter divorce, Sheev refused see Linda at the times designated for him to pick up/drop off Sheevie Jr., but he “loved” his son and he couldn’t trust the life of his precious heir to just anyone— he would send his loyal apprentice, Darth Vader. This arrangement also kept Darth Vader is constant agony by reminding him of his dead wife and child(ren), so win win!

For the first few years, Sheev tried made a valiant attempt to spend quality time with his son during their weekends together. They went to lake country on Naboo, to zoos and amusement parks and movie theaters. It was always a bit of an ordeal, with him being the Emperor of the Galaxy and all, but Darth Vader and a contingent of Storm Troopers always accompanied them to keep the rabble away. 

Yet father and son started to grow apart as time passed and Sheevie Jr., began changing into a wilful teenager without ever showing any signs of inheriting his father’s Force abilities. It all came to a head one evening when Sheevie Jr. had just turned 16 and their eclectic group choose to spend the evening at a bowling alley on Coruscant. After a heated argument with his son, Sheev agreed that he and his apprentice would refrain from using the Force to guide their bowling balls to the awaiting pins, (i.e. cheat), and a tense game began— it was the least he could do to appease his embarrassed son after Vader skewered a glib bowling alley attendant on his lightsaber for insisting he wear a pair of rental bowling shoes. It wasn’t long after that an unfortunate gutter ball caused an enraged Sheev to shoot lightening at the ball return, destroying the equipment and getting the entire group banned for life. 

Sheev’s relationship with his son only worsened after that night. They just didn’t have anything in common— not only did Sheevie Jr. lack any Force sensitivity, he also disagreed with his father’s views on fascism and had no desire to dominate the galaxy. Sheev was starting to realise that his son took after his bitch ex wife Linda far more than himself. 

Things only got worse for Sheev after that. Once his son turned 18, he stopped visiting entirely. Saddened by this, Sheev put all of his energy into ruling the Galaxy and the upcoming war against the terrorist organisation called the Rebellion. In a fateful turn of events, it was revealed that Padmé Amidala gave birth to twins(!) before her death and it was Darth Vader’s own children leading the war against the Empire. Sheev was intrigued, if not a little jealous, when he found out that Darth Vader’s son had inherited his father’s power and that his apprentice wanted to turn his progeny to their side. Father and son, two mighty Sith warriors fighting side by side... it was all he ever wanted for his estranged son and himself. 

Alas, reality never seems to live up to fantasy. In the end, he was betrayed by his apprentice and thrown into a deep vent of a doomed space station and left for dead. Admittedly, it may have been too much to try to murder the boy in front of his father just to prove a point... but hey, hindsight is 20/20.

Sheev barely escaped before the second Deathstar exploded. Defeated, he slunk away to lick his wounds and plan his revenge. In the span of a few years, he had lost everything: his wife (good riddance), his useless son, his deceitful apprentice, and his empire. He was happy to hear that Darth Vader had died, but that wasn’t enough to quench his thirst for revenge. He would have to bide his time with Luke Skywalker... the boy was too much of a goody two shoes to be lured into an open battle. But then he found out that the girl twin was pregnant— and the baby was Force sensitive! This was fantastic news for Sheev! He would turn the boy to the Dark side from afar and have the kid kill Skywalker! He wouldn’t even have to reveal himself to gain his revenge! It was a great plan and Sheev couldn’t imagine how it could possibly go wrong. 

It was about that time that Sheev got the best news he’d heard in years— his ungrateful son had gotten married and had a child. Sheev was a Peepaw! And his precious little granddaughter had his power! What a miraculous turn of events! He would finally have an heir that was worthy of the title. Before Sheevie Jr. and his unimportant wife could fill the girl’s head with nonsense about “the Rebellion being heroes” and “the Empire was fascism”, Sheev sent some of his baby snatcher cronies to get his sweet granddaughter and bring her to him so he could turn her into the perfect Sith killing machine. Plus, she was already starting to get her adult teeth, so they needed sharpening those suckers STAT! 

Then, tragedy struck again. The baby snatchers finally caught up with Sheevie Jr. and What’s-Her-Name, but they had hidden the girl somewhere and the DUMB DUMB babysnatchers killed them before finding out where. Sheev was foiled again! 

When not planning his revenge/psychologically tormenting a child and his future reemergence into the Galactic war scene, Sheev began taking up new hobbies. He found that he was particularly gifted in created clones. He started making so many that he had to keep them in jars all over quarters. There was one clone that turned out REALLY well, so he decided to raise it as a pet. He named him Snoke. Snoke was so tall and ugly and had the best accent— Sheev thought he was perfect! In a truly inspired moment of inspiration, Sheev decided that he would use Snoke as a puppet to start his plans of Galactic domination early. This way he could keep himself hidden for a few more years before he popped back up like, “Surprise bitch! I bet you thought you saw the last of me!” People were going to freak out so bad. He couldn’t wait! 

Then some more stuff happened— the Skywalker kid turned to the dark side, as predicted, Luke Skywalker went into hiding like a fucking nerd, his new Empire started to grow, yada yada yada. To be honest, he tuned out for a few years. He was getting old, after all! Some more shit happened, the Skywalker kid killed his poor little monster Snoke and, best news yet, Luke Skywalker finally died! Eat shit, Darth Vader, you treasonous dickwad! 

One dark and dreary morning the Skywalker kid, who called himself Kylo Ren, (what a dweeb. Skywalkers are so fucking lame), showed up to Sheev’s house. Sheev kind of wanted to kill him right then, because of revenge and all that, but he decided to hold off for the time being because he just realised something amazing.

HIS GRANDDAUGHTER WAS ALIVE! (And maybe dating this Skywalker loser? Now he was EXTRA glad that he tormented the kid for all those years)

Now that little punk Kylo was going to bring him his precious grand baby and they would finally take over the Galaxy together as a family, just like he always wanted.

Sheev couldn’t wait!


End file.
